#14

Fingers crossed...

"Someday you'll find someone special again. People who've been in love once usually do. It's in their nature." -Nicholas Sparks

Love could be set in motion quickly, but true love needed time to grow into something strong and enduring. Love was, above all, about commitment and dedication and a belief that spending years with a certain person would create something greater than the sum of what the two can accomplish separately." -Nicholas Sparks

#13

'So BE lonely... Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings." -Elizabeth Gilbert

#8

“...you could look at me with those eyes… and beg me not to do this. …and we could keep doing this for a few more years. But people get hurt in the process. Or I could walk away and end this for good.” -Waitress

#5

Truly, the most interesting people I know are entirely mysterious. The seduction of the unknown, is that I get to use my own delicious imagination. The thrill of ideas and thoughts, and these elaborate passages that twist and writhe deep into my mind... there is nothing better to me than savoring the magic of the unanswered questions.

-Andrew Tipton, For the Love of Motion

Musical notes dance and flit and glide their way through the air as my mind drifts, as it always does... to the memories... the memories etched deep into my heart, that stay with me and never leave, even if I forget about them for a spell.

They come back. They always do. Like now, in the middle of sweeping symphonies and the warm amber glow of the night lamp perched on the edge of my desk.

Late-night texts that turn into thoughtful conversations.
An e-mail from the friend you haven't talked to in ages.
An accidental brush of skin against skin.
Being pleasantly surprised that second impressions were nothing like the first.
Baring your heart to strangers as they do the same.
Enjoying the company of someone you might never see again in a long time.
Sharing comfortable silence during a lull in intense conversation.

During car rides. In quiet cafes with quirky music playing. Under the moon's ethereal glow. Besides swimming pools. At camps. Surrounded by many people. In parks in the afternoon. When no one else is around.

Unexpected? Always. Satisfying? Immensely.

The memories are richly varied, painted across a colorful canvas of different experiences, places, and people, but they always take me back to the same place: a place of mystery, discovery, adventure, curiosity, seduction, anticipation, and the thrill of being alive.

A place where expectations, obligations, and fears... simply cease to exist. A place where the future looks hazy... and it doesn't even matter, because you're so caught up in savoring the now. You can't explain the 'why's and 'how's, but none of that matters when you're fully immersed in just taking everything in.

Those memories... are like looking into a kaleidoscope for the first time. A slight shift in angle, and everything changes. Light refracts different colors, shapes, textures, patterns, into beautiful design. Every little detail becomes absolutely captivating. The endless possible combinations of patterns is almost mind-boggling. You can't explain how or why it works... but you don't really want to. You want to keep turning it, examining it, exploring the variations in design as you marvel.

I find the more I cannot explain why something is, the greater my fascination, the greater my desire to discover more about it. The moment I begin to think (because sometimes we perceive things inaccurately) that I can know or understand it fully, the dangerous thought creeps in that I can predict and control it. That desire for control is counterintuitive to another desire... the desire to savor and enjoy something as it is, without trying to control or alter its nature or behavior... because the moment I do, it ceases to become the very thing that drew me to it in the first place.

And so in moments like these, when the kaleidoscope of memories comes rushing at me, I remind myself that my uncertainties, the curiosities, the things I want to know more about, the things I feel helpless about, the things I wish I could change but I realize I don't have to... these things are necessary. Necessary to keep that precious place in my heart alive - the place the memories always take me back to.

Alive. Unfettered. Nothing holding me, and holding on to nothing. Free to savor, taste, explore, dream, discover, imagine, create, feel. 

It's a beautiful place to be.

#4

If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you tonight

It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder if you ever think of me

-A Thousand Miles, Vanessa Carlton

#3

At the end of the day, we're not as different as we think we are.

Deep down, we all want the same things:

something to believe in, something to love, something to hope for.

#2

I hate that you're there and not here.

I hate how the spaces between my fingers are empty.

I hate that the air doesn't smell as intoxicating as when you're around.

I hate how my heart feels squeezed into my throat and how I can't fall asleep because I'm thinking about you.

I hate how every love song reminds me of you.

I hate that I can't hold you close and wrap my arms around you.

I hate that I fall asleep every night dreaming of you, knowing I'll wake up and it'll still just be a dream.

I hate that I can't tell you this, because I don't know who you are, or if I even know you yet.

#1

If I could turn back time... I'd spend less time looking for 'The One' and more time loving the ones I had. I wouldn't look for someone to match up to my criteria. I'd give everything I have to make it work with someone willing to try as hard. I wouldn't walk away hoping for 'someone' better out there. I'd stay and watch him become better than he was. I'd spend less time trying to manipulate circumstances to match the movie script in my head. I'd spend more time soaking up the circumstances I found myself in.

If I could have one wish... I'd wish for someone who doesn't have to be perfect, but someone to love and be loved by, to know and be known by. Someone who would hold me tight and never let me go, no matter what.

What good is all the achievements, success, money, and things in the world when there's no one to share it with?

I'd trade my 13,000-pound scholarship, the dream trip to Paris, a fully-sponsored trip to Europe, a stable job and good income... for the promise of a lifetime of ordinary, everyday moments spent with the most ordinary person - chats over a cup of coffee, late-night movies, sleepy phone calls, private jokes, handwritten notes - moments that become more precious than anything all the money in the world could buy... because they were shared... with someone who becomes the most amazing person in the entire world... just because that someone chose to share it with me, and not anyone else in the world.

But I can't turn back time, and no matter how hard I rub any lamp I can find, I know no genie will pop up to grant me a wish.

And so the only thing I can do is resolve... that if ever life brings someone my way again willing to give loving me a shot... I will fight with everything I have to make sure I don't make loving me even harder than it already is. I will give everything I have to make it work. I will be thankful, every single day, for those simple, precious moments. I will love more, and better than I ever have.